Healing

narrow road near Pagosa Springs, CO

I recently read that those who struggle with isolation and loneliness are often particularly called and gifted by God to be connectors and builders of community. The writer continued that thought, noting those who struggle with fears of abandonment and rejection often carry a calling of belonging and reconciliation. Made to gather the outcasts, they have been allowed to experience what it feels like to be one.

I don't know that these are necessarily biblical truths, but they do seem to hold to biblical patterns. When we allow our deepest wounds to be exposed to the healing light of Jesus, it is almost always those very scars that become our most powerful witness.

I have struggled with loneliness and isolation and fear of abandonment and rejection, both within my family and in the church. This is a hard truth to face and admit. I've hidden it well but I'm not actually proud of that anymore. 

Some of it has roots in trauma, some is just life experiences over the last 50+ years.  I have tried to deal with them in a lot of unhealthy ways (hello denial, distraction, codependent enabling and spiritual bypassing). However, these last several years I have been walking a road of healing, marked with profoundly honest prayer with my Creator, consistent study of His Word, uncomfortable new experiences as I put my professed trust in Him into actual ACTION, and therapy. (Yes, THERAPY for many reasons. To help root out and identify those hurts, giving them a vocabulary and space to actually be processed and not stuffed or deflected. To learn new strategies to replace old and unhealthy patterns. Accountability for all of those. Therapy doesn't replace Jesus in my life, it keeps me honest and engaged about what I'm learning about me when I talk to Him in prayer.

There have been many times I felt angry, sad, and afraid on this road. I've felt impatient, confused and abandoned. But I continued on, and I started to see that it was only when I was truly, fully present WITH HIM, honest and vulnerable, without the distraction of noble pursuits, that I began to experience His healing and peace. (It is like I have been trying to skip a grade or test out of the hard stuff.) I won't lie, being so vulnerable and honest with yourself and with God is terrifying. But it's where I felt (and continue to feel) His healing Light touch those deep wounds and healing begin.

I'm still on this road - I'm on it for life. Sometimes it feels like I haven't made any progress at all. But when I stop and turn around for a moment and look back at where I started (angry, alone, running from His church, afraid to let others in, letting all the wrong people in, focusing on performance and people pleasing, etc.) I see the healing. I look inside and I see the scars - and I remember what those wounds felt like before they healed. My heart aches for others who carry the same wounds I have. I want to gather them up in my arms and lay them at the feet of Jesus, where His healing Light can heal their wounds. I want them to see that there is a path to healing and peace. The road can look lonely and hopeless, but the truth is that you're only as alone there as you allow yourself to be and He is there, ready to wrap His healing Light around you.