Do Less and Witness

The other day was a rough ass day. I cried all day. Little bits here and there at first but then I got in the shower – a twenty-minute shower – in which I sobbed, cried, prayed…  LAMENTED.

Water running down my face, I begged God to deliver me of people pleasing and fear. I begged Him to deliver me of frozenness.

I begged Him to help my mom… I cried out to Him for mercy. I sobbed that she had become an echo, a shadow, a paper-doll version of MY mom and confessed that part of me was jealous my friends’ recently passed mom was now with Him, while my mom sat confused and alone in a dreary room, mostly unable to speak her thoughts or needs.

I confessed I was afraid and did not know what to do – that I felt pulled in so many directions and the pressure of so many people expecting me to know what to do or how to do everything. I confessed I just wanted to run away and hide where no one could find me or expect anything from me.

Naked, snotty, and broken, I cried out, ‘It’s too much!” and railed at Him in my anger and my grief.

And He was there.

Not in a booming pronouncement of healing. Not in a burning bush - though that would have caused more anxiety because the mental dilemma… “Do I put it out? Do I let it burn?? Will it go out on its own???”  No scripture became suddenly evident, and no clear plan of action began to form, either.

But three words welled up from somewhere deep inside me – an ephemeral whisper that started in my soul and formed into clear and solid words in my mind. As I washed the snot off my face and let the water run over my raw eyes, I felt a peace come over me with the words.

Do Less. And Witness.

More or less… Be still and know that I am God. Be still and see Me working. Be still and note where I am working. Be still and witness Me. Shhhhhhh… and watch. (To be clear, it was very definitely NOT Do less witness.)

I stood there for another few minutes and let the words flow over me with the warm water. As I got out of the shower and toweled myself off, I wept again (honestly, I kept weeping on and off for the rest of the day). I wept with grief. I wept with love. I wept with gratitude. I wept with fear. But I wept. I let the emotions roll over me and witness my soul-state. I wept while my husband embraced me and listened to me share my heart.

That day, I poured. I poured so much out. So much that needed, desperately, to come out to make room for more. The next day I woke up tired but more at peace. There has still been some weeping and expect that we have only just begun the pouring out part of this journey.

Being still. Filling up and pouring out. Breathing.

The older I get the more simplicity seems to be key. For now, I am doing less. Witnessing - and sharing what I witness.

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"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 8:10

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." Psalm 116 :1-2